


Sunshine and Wind

by boffinhatwithapipeYuekagami



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging & YouTube RPF, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Gen, Hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2014-08-28
Packaged: 2018-02-15 03:38:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2214375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boffinhatwithapipeYuekagami/pseuds/boffinhatwithapipeYuekagami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I am here, Dan because I love you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sunshine and Wind

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Phan fic that is not simple drabbles. It has a plot. Hurray for having plots! I hope you like it! *obligatory kiss* xx

_Depressed people are only seeking attention._

_Get over yourself. Stop being sad._

_Don’t hide under the term of depressed when in fact it is laziness._

_grow up Emo loser._

_Stop faking it. You can’t be sad. You are so happy with your last videos._

People said that words cut deeper than sharp blades. They also said that verbal attack was a lot more painful than physical one. They also said that words could kill you even without touching your skin for the reason that it goes through the heart.

 

People said that. Majority of them too. But why would they attack someone like Dan violating the same decreed philosophy that they should be following? Dan understood a point though. He understood that some people deserved the hate. But not him. Dan deserved none of these.  

 

He was sitting on his chair looking and scrolling at the comments reading the words that pricked his heart making it bleed. Dan uploaded a video explaining why he wasn’t uploading that much. Depression, he said. He hoped that people would understand.

 

Some people did.

 

**Most people did not.**

 

He was blatantly accused of being a lazy person who was just using depression to hide the fact that he couldn’t care about his channel anymore since he was popular now. He wanted to defend himself but the more he did reply, the more hate he got. Now people were telling him how fake he was. That he was a liar and someone who glorifies depression and cutting. How unfit and undeserving he was with where he is now. He was supposed to set a good role model over his audiences and he failed to do that.

 

The thing that he was trying to explain was they do not know what happens when the camera wasn’t rolling. Viewers were not there on his therapy sessions. They were not there when he was crying every night in his room trying so hard to make himself a lot better but failing. The viewers were not there when he was feeling down. They were limited with the time when he was presentable and happy.

 

He loved making people happy. He loved being fun. But take away the giver self of Dan and replace with a receiver one, what could he get? None because people did not expect him to be like this. Their minds were endlessly remembering the same happy Dan who makes funny videos and someone who never gets sad.

 

But sometimes, everything just got too much. Sometimes, everything would be overwhelming. Sometimes, every sunshine had the need to set too.

 

Wiping away the tears, he stood up and unplugged the computer. Phil was at the kitchen and heard him call his name. But he could not actually talk to him right now. Phil had enough problem of his own. Why add those problems pertaining to him? Sometimes, he wished he could talk. He wished he could talk to someone without having to add to their problems. Being himself was a problem enough. His existence was a bigger one.

 

He walked slowly down the steps and entered his room. He flopped down on the bed and looked at the window erratically looking at the horizon obscured by houses. Hugging his knees as he curled into a ball, his tears flowed endlessly through the night. His consciousness entering and exiting towards a light of enlightenment. The thoughts all mixed up with negativities and hurt. His whole life being flashed in his head. Words that he had read seems to acquire a voice of its own. It was his voice. His own voice was taunting Dan. It was one of the advantage of anonymity hate comments. You don’t read it with their voices. You read with your own. That was more hurtful that it should be because the only person who was supposed to be loving you was the person who prosecutes you. Yourself was your first lover but with those comments read by your own voice, you were the hater of yourself. You betrayed yourself.

 

Dan covered his ears and whimpered as he sobbed quietly. All he could do was to protect himself. But how could he do that? He could not even protect himself from his own mind. How could he protect himself from people who hate on him?

 

The crying subsided. It was already five in the morning. It was too late to sleep now. But maybe he should try it for a bit. All of his dreams were darkness and void. He would like that. Potentially he could. After all, Dan wanted at least a bit of peace from these thoughts, from the people and most importantly from himself. In the simplest way possible, he wanted to escape everything.

 

___

 

Someone was knocking obnoxiously at the door. He cracked his eyes open and watched the whole room in the darkness. He groaned and waited there within the dark hoping that the knocking would go away. The knocking was persistent. It would not go away. 

“Open” He croaked. The door was slowly opened and the glaring light of the hallway violated his eyes. Phil was standing on the doorway. Dan could not make out what his expression was with the little aid of the light. As his eyes came into focus, it was evident that he was sad. He strode towards Dan and sat on his bed. Dan still had not moved from where he was.

 

“Dan.” He started. “Talk to me.” Phil stated simply as he held Dan’s hand. Dan’s eyes were averting through the window hoping that he would go away soon. He didn’t want to be a burden anymore. He didn’t want to be a problem for Phil.

 

Dan waited for him to go but Phil did not even move. He was still anticipating a sentence from him. “Go away, Phil.” Dan choked. A firm shake of a head was the only answer. He squeezed Dan’s hand tighter.

 

“No. I want to stay here. I want you to tell me your problem. I saw you crying last night but did not push it through because you were upset. I know it is not advisable even now, but I am worried because of you.” Phil explained. Dan’s brows creased. Why couldn’t Phil just go away? But this was Phil. The Phil that knew when Dan when he was remotely sad, happy or depressed. The Phil that knew when Dan was in need. The Phil Dan loves. Would he understand? Would he leave Dan too? Would he go away if he knew about these thoughts? Would he get tired of me? Many questions, no answers. He was beginning to get scared of what would happen if he tells Phil now. But he reminded himself: This was Phil. The Phil Lester.

 

“That is the problem Phil.” He finally choked. “I am the problem. If I don’t exist, you will have one less problem.” Dan answered. “If I don’t exist, you will not have to accompany me to my therapy sessions. If I don’t exist, we will never have to be bothered buying antidepressants. If I don’t exist, you will not have the burden to remind me every day to take my medicine. If I don’t exist, you will never have to even bother defending me with all those hate comments.” He took a deep breath and with a shaky voice he added,

 

“If I don’t exist, you will be happier by now because you will never have to console someone who is absolutely pointless and having a hopeless case. Someone who has no reason to live. Someone who is willing to die at any point in time.”

 

He was nipping his lips trying to prevent himself from crying. He expected a lift of the weight from his bed and it did happen. Dan was right. He would leave too like everyone else. Phil was tired of him. But along with the lift of weight was a gentle hand scoping and embracing him flooding Dan with the warmth that only Phil could give.

 

“You are a problem, Dan. So am I. All the people in the world are. The life of people in this world revolves around problems after problems after problems. The only thing that makes people different from others is the fact that some people’s views on certain problem. Some people do not treat problems as problem but rather a challenge that will be conquered. Some people treat problems as a stepping stone. Some people treats it as a blessing.” He stopped. “I am one of those people, Dan. I don’t treat you as a problem. I treat you as a blessing.” He continued.

 

Dan grasped Phil’s shirt with his face buried on the crook of his neck. He clenched his fist. His other hand was wrapping around Phil’s waist gripping his back lightly.

 

“Dan, listen to me.” He whispered on his ears. “If you do not exist, I will not have the knowledge of being in a therapy and the ability to know how it works. If you do not exist, I will not have the will to go out and socialize even buying some pills. If you do not exist, I will not have to learn how to care for other human being as deeply as this. If you do not exist, I will never learn how to stand up for something or for someone that I believe in.” He rubs Dan’s back and kissed his forehead.

 

“If you do not exist, I will never experience the joy of helping others and the blissfulness of having someone to care. Someone I will love unconditionally. I am here, Dan because I don’t want you to feel alone. I don’t want you to think that you will cause more problem when you tell me yours. That is the way how it is, Daniel. Problems come and go. You can never have none of it. I don’t know what you are feeling exactly right now but I have something to say: You don’t have to do it alone. The world is scary right now. It is terrifying us. But you don’t have to do it alone. You don’t have to face them alone.” Phil pulled a little to look down Dan’s head. Dan was already looking at him.

 

“I am here Dan because I want to. I am here, Dan because I love you. I am here, Dan because you are my special one. You are my sunshine and sometimes, a sunshine also needs another rising.” Phil cupped Dan’s cheeks. “And sometimes, the Sunshine needs a Wind to get the clouds off obscuring it’s radiant rays.” Dan was still silent. “So Dan,” Phil continued.

 

“Can I be your Wind?” He asked Dan.

 

Dan didn’t know how it happened. Dan didn’t know what he did. But one moment he was staring and silent, the next moment he was sobbing on Phil’s shirt embracing him tightly as he could while he nodded and incoherently mumble “yes” over and over. Phil’s hug was good. Phil’s embrace was best. Phil’s love is ethereal.

 

All Dan could think of was how silly he was. How stupid he had been. What context could he  think that Phil would not be there for him? That he would just be a burden? What stopped him from telling Phil his problems? Maybe probably because of fear. The fear of being unloved. The fear of being rejected. Those fears would hinder you from being a functional human being. Those fears would inevitably make you drift apart from the people you love. But those fears could be avoided. You should not let it overtake you. If that person you love did not really stay with you then that person did not deserve your smiles in the first place. If that person told you to stop being sad, that person did not really understand you. Point was people who truly loves you would stick by you no matter what happens to you. But also remember that they were people too. People could get hurt.

 

Some people said that words cut deeper than sharp blades. Might I add that some people’s words could heal you better than medicine. Some people’s presence could cure your well being.

 

As of now, Dan had stopped taking his medicines. After all, he had his own medication in his home that did not require drowsiness. He still received hate comments too but increasingly people were now understanding his pleas. He still had to go to therapy sessions too but now it is less frequent than before.

 

Phil was right. Dan wasn’t supposed to be doing this alone. After all, a sunshine needs a bit of Wind to blow the clouds away obscuring the rays.

 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry about the grammatical faults. I try so hard whenever I write. I hope you like it :) x


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